Moving forward, not on
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a situation, demanding closure.
Most often, I get it…I measure my success to be 99%, but this time…I laid my cards on the table, walked out, and put the situation in God’s hands. For the first week or so, I was dancing in the light feeling free, totally surrendered.
Once the stages of grief hit though, I’ve been begging God for a way out, to erase the memories and the heartache, but He’s let me sit in the uncomfortable. Honestly, looking back, I needed to. It was necessary to feel the gashes on my heart, the gaping hole of emptiness in my soul, the pounding heaviness on my chest, the panic of never feeling happy again. The more I sat in His presence, even in silence, a deeper level of intimacy was being knitted with Him as I propped myself up on the wall in this dark, cold, pit of pain.
The ache in my heart, the undeniable void, the massive hole representing loss slammed into my face every morning when I would wake and weighed heavy over me as I was desperate for rest at night. Moving on is the only thing I wanted and yet the only solution that would break my heart even more.
And just when I thought I was going to drown in pleas of desperation for God to release me, His voice calls out and says, “I’m not done here, you need to trust Me.”
I am embarrassed to admit this, but I felt those were the ugliest and by far, the worst words I’ve ever heard. Don’t judge me, I know I am being dramatic, but I immediately whined, “Why can’t we be done here? Haven’t I been through enough? Don’t you love me?” Without hesitation, He whispered so deep into my soul, “I’m still working. I need you to move forward, NOT on.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. I truly felt that I needed to be done and even moving forward would require me to have closure. After contemplating God’s request, I realized He was asking me to let Him work behind the scenes, while I went about my business, which of course is ultimately His business.
His desire was to take my focus off my problem and my pain and shift it to Him. Once I was able to focus on Him, the pain lessened and I could see His goodness all around me, even in the agony of grief. So, if you’re in a place today where your situation is painful and there appears to be no progress and frankly, a good outcome doesn’t seem possible, I want to encourage you. He really does know what is best for us and if God is asking you to stay there, He’s working. He’s working every detail out, His perfect will for your life and the situation. The pain will eventually show its purpose, and you will be strengthened and His glory will be magnified. And, as a sweet friend always reminds me, ” If the outcome isn’t good yet, God isn’t finished.”
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