You know the old saying, Practice what you Preach! That is even more important after you are divorced.

I know, I know…you thought you were getting rid of your significant other, but they actually just became the one person you should treat the best. This is why…

The behavior you model in front of your kids will become the foundation for their future relationships, their marriage and how they raise their own children. Thinking back to your actions the last few months of your marriage or how you acted during your divorce; are you scared of that behavior being repeated? I was.

Dave and I made an agreement when we divorced that we would ALWAYS put Aidan first, no matter what. That we would be kind and include each other in all of the important events throughout our son’s life. I can honestly admit that my words/promises did not align with my heart right away, but I did the whole “fake it til you make it” and it’s brought me to this moment of revelation of why I wanted it this way.

We may still be divorced, but how I include and treat Dave on the special occasions – – – especially his birthday and Christmas will leave an impression on Aidan for how he should be treated and how he should treat others. So, with Dave’s birthday being this past week, I made sure Aidan had a gift for his father. I didn’t have to spend a ton of money, in fact, it was $24.76 to be exact, but it showed Aidan two things:

1. Always celebrate the people you love and

 

2. Regardless of how I personally feel about Dave and/or our divorce, that I am making his dad a priority FOR HIM.

There is no right or wrong way to do this, it’s simply to put aside your feelings and show your child how to love. We could have sat down and made him a card and it would have been the same concept. I spent 15 years of my life with this man, he’s the father of our child, and we have hurt each other deeply, but at the end of the day, he still deserves the love and respect of his son and it is my responsibility to create an environment that encourages that. He needs to feel safe to “love on” his dad without me getting my feelings hurt or bashing him.

At the end of the day, I know that I am encouraging him to build better practices for future relationships. Ultimately, I want his future marriage to have a strong foundation where mine was lacking so he has a better chance at success.

Here are THREE ways you can cultivate a safe environment for your children to show love to the other parent:

1. Just listen.
I saw a quote the other day that said, “The older I get, the more silent I become” and I can identify with that. Learn when to speak and when to listen. If your child comes home from a great weekend at Dad’s and can’t stop raving about it, just smile and listen. It doesn’t matter if you are owed child support and the child is talking about all the things Dad took him to and you are racking up the costs in your mind, stay silent. Your issue with your ex is not your child’s problem and you should be happy that your child was able to have those experiences. And DO NOT attack the other parent later as it could lead to them yelling at the child for saying anything. Your child will feel betrayed and it will become harder for them to share things with you.

2. Remind and Encourage your child about your Ex’s birthday and Christmas, or other holidays you may celebrate.
It doesn’t cost you anything for your child to draw a picture or maybe you could take a nice photo of the child, print it at Walgreens and put it in a frame from the Dollar Store. You are instilling the importance of giving and receiving. Gifts don’t have to be fancy or expensive, they only need to come from the heart.

3. Don’t ask What, ask How.
This is a huge communication lesson – upon arrival back from a weekend visiting with Mom or Dad, asking “What did you do this weekend?” can leave the child feeling like they have to give you a play by play. You need to do an honest assessment of why you are even asking – what are the real reasons you want to know? Quit being nosy and let your child enjoy the other parent. Take the opportunity to spark real conversation with your child, and ask “How was your weekend?” — This gives the child the freedom to tell you as much as he or she wants and will spark more of a conversation. Either way, you are allowing your child to build a healthy boundary to discuss what he or she wants, rather than being forced to spout off a list of everything done.

If you are struggling in this area, I am always here for you! I know it’s hard girlfriend, especially if you were hurt deeply by your ex. Just know, I am always here to talk it out, so don’t hesitate to connect with me.

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